Every day I get questions from people that attended one of my trainings, read my blog, or my books. Once I get the same question again and again for a while, I recognize that it would be worthwhile to share this q and a with others. So this question about restrictions on stimulation of oneself is one that regularly pops up. It is also a question that is asked by everyone and not just one gender. I welcome your thoughts and impressions on how you might answer this yourself.
Hello Master Crown
I recently moved into my Sir’s home after losing my job. We defaulted into a 24-7 as we have headed that way anyway. My Sir has a no touching yourself rule but that being said he works long hours. I have a high sex drive. It's hard work to be a good girl as he works late into the night and it leaves me .... 🙄sexually agitated and highly annoyed. That is not making me do all that I am supposed to do. So what's kinda like playing with yourself but isn't?
XXXXX
Hi XXXX,
No Owner wants to write a 600 page rulebook with what-if scenarios. However, many of us have begun and do use large documents for these purposes at times. There will always be loopholes and sometimes, finding those loopholes is part of the play. Sometimes finding ways to get out of what you agreed and consented to is merely watering the seeds of discontent that will ruin your service and connection. There is a lot to unpack here. You mention you lost your job to move in with him, and your Sir is working late into the night. It sounds like your Sir is supporting you both, and that statement you made about not doing what you are supposed to do might entail not seeking another job. I do not know what you mean by default to 24-7, but I am assuming you agreed, consented, and are actively attempting to live up to the responsibilities you mention. You do not mention any other negative trait from your Sir except that your Sir isn’t allowing you to masturbate when you want to. Yet, by your own loophole logic, you could take this command literally and use a vibrator because that is not you physically touching you. I believe you realize the intention behind the rule likely covers anything used for self-stimulation in a sexual manner, because I don’t think your Sir wants you not to touch yourself in the shower to clean or after using the bathroom. My mind seeks the question of what might you really be asking here?
If it's giving you that much trouble, don't go looking for loopholes. Discuss it with your Sir. My answer to keep doing it, or stop doing it, would mean less than the person you are guided by. Chastity play, which is my interpretation of what you described here, is always a combination of components of control, teasing, and denial. Control and denial are not the same things, because the control doesn’t always expect the answer to be “no”. It’s about the power of the Master to choose. Not only can they say “yes”, but they might enjoy telling the sub/slave when and how. They may enjoy hearing when the sub/slave is craving and asking for permission to masturbate, and they may at times, give permission to seek those loopholes. When the experience is just a denial of stimulation and orgasm, some people believe the sub/slave will get hornier and hornier. While that can happen while they are being teased and intentionally aroused, but when that attention, energy, and stimulation is withdrawn, it will have the opposite effect. Biologically, we operate to maintain and achieve homeostasis as our bodies adapt to the environmental and cognitive stimuli we encounter. When denial is prolonged without stimulus, this has the opposite effect of making someone increasingly horny. The body quickly understands that it is not going to get a release and starts adapting by reducing the arousal chemicals in the brain and body. The degree this happens for everyone varies by age, the fitness of health, and personal characteristics, but after a while, the result is the same. Without the cognitive stimulation and behavioral cues, we reduce our biological and cognitive drive and stop thinking about sex when we are consistently denied; because, what’s the point? We focus instead on work or our hobbies or other things.
Despite the Master thinking that the sub/slave will be thinking about their control every minute of the day, it doesn’t tend to work that way either. For a few days, that control might remain in the forefront of their mind, but it doesn’t take long for something like this to become routine. When it becomes routine, it often becomes invisible and part of the daily relational normal. There are all kinds of reasons why outright denial is not always the best choice, yet it’s not uncommon for many to chose to engage with this type of rule. When communication begins to lack or drop with one or both partners, the set and forget mentally of service rules can cause some frustration. These rules are given to you so you may serve and experience a specific state. When communication drops happen, it is not uncommon for that state to lack feedback and not be as satisfying. This is a cue for one or all partners to start communication more and share with your Master. We all develop in different ways, and over time some of these aspects can be adjusted as they develop with us. So if you are using chastity, think about how you control, tease, and deny. You can build an expectation about the experience so that it feels like a proud part of service, and you can make it fun, bonding, and erotic. These rules are restraints no different than a collar. Except with rues of chastity, the bindings can be invisible, and they require participation and communication to make them work as they are intended. Otherwise, like any other bindings, they will provide temperamental chaffing as you struggle and fiddle with it. When all the bindings of chastity are used, it becomes something that opens communication, plays with power, and for those who enjoy this, it can establish an extended intimately controlled experience. Which is why we are engaging with this stuff, isn’t it?
Many of the frustrations we endure can be seen as opportunities in our service because they urge us to grow and develop. If you are going to do anything with this reply, please use it to communicate with your Sir. Ask about his intention for this rule and what they hope to achieve with this rule. These conversations will help your Sir decide how they wish to balance aspects of denial and control in their regulations. If you are having trouble with talking to them or opening the conversation with your Sir here is something you can share. The Inuit word iktsuarpok refers to the feeling of anticipation you have when you’re waiting for a guest, and you keep going to the window or intermittently going outside to check and see if they’ve arrived.
Joseph Crown
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