All too often in helping relationships, what needs to be said is what one person does not want to say, and the other does not want to hear. Also, people’s explicit notions only convey a part of their mental processes. What goes without saying generally goes unsaid. This is why researchers and MCs do not content themselves with asking various people about their conceptions of life and living but also observe how the consequences of a group member or action trigger particular behaviors. Advising this comes down to the experience of identifying the expressive cues presented and those that are never expressed and held back. What you read here is my best approximation of the energy, feel, and questions that are asked and unsaid. This question of how to be a better sexual or sensual sadist is common for those engaged in BDSM and those who dabble in some of it’s sensual arts. There is no one correct way to embody or behave. What follows is how the narrative and question resonated with me. Would you have answered it differently?
A special thank you and shout out to N'kash for pic.
Master Crown
I have read your posts on Fetlife, and we bought your Hypno Dom book. I'm not used to posting in groups, but I need some help. I am naturally a bottom/submissive but my long-term boyfriend and partner is also a bottom/submissive as well. I knew this going into the relationship, and we talked about it. We both felt that each of us would have to make compromises to satisfy each other. However, my boyfriend has masochistic tendencies and I cannot seem to be sadistic enough for the life of me. It probably has to do with growing up with a sadistic mother that still makes being a bitch seem effortless. Is there a way to embrace my sadistic side or a side that is functional and I don't feel uncomfortable with? Does it just take time and exploration? I'm very self-conscious that I can't seem to satisfy my boyfriend's masochistic desires. If I am studying mind techniques like hypnosis what is the best way to step into that headspace? I appreciate any help you can give us.
XXXX
Dear XXXX,
I am happy to see that when you are stuck, you begin reaching out in places and to people that can offer a different perspective on life. While hypnosis and erotic trance can offer experiences that allow you and others to step into adventures that may only be fulfilled in such a state, I think it is important to ensure a few things first. Do you understand the difference between a BDSM Sadist and a nonconsensual sadist? From the small bit that you wrote to me, it does seem like you have firmly set the idea of your mother into that role. This observation is not a judgment of being correct or not right by any means. There a few questions you need to ask yourself and keep talking with your partner and others because, like every problem, it may have deeper roots than we consciously know.
Do you bite, scratch, or spank your partner during a scene or sex? If you aren't comfortable with it and it brings up negative feelings, then communicate that with him, and that's the best you can do. As your journey continues, you may change. Never force something that isn't in your best interest, spiritually, emotionally, and physically. I would suggest talking with a kink friendly therapist about this because you are not alone with this problem. It may only be a problem in this context. It feels to me that there may be a constant comparison between your Mom and the person you are when engaging in specific behaviors. That negative attribution with this behavior can be worked with but is more detailed and different than the question you asked here.
My advice if you are experimenting with ways to try out these behaviors is utilizing hypnotic stories and step into them so that the character has their own backstory. The character takes their own pleasures, and the story continues through your interactions with it. Do this on your own and for yourself first before sharing. Ask for help from those who can take you to that trance space and allow you the freedom to explore new and familiar expressions of sensation, intimacy, and behavior from different perspectives. You seem to have been asking yourself the question “What’s stopping me?” and I would you to change this question too, “What’s important to me here?” Start thinking about your own reasons and values with these answers, and it may bring you closer to the level of performance you desire.
Joseph Crown
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