The question of when to stop training is a search to clarify priorities and values of what we have, what we are doing, and where we might go from here. That can become confusing as we become aware of new possibilities and new goals that can make us refocus our efforts in new ways or do something different. None of us likes confusion because it erodes our sense of competence and confidence. Sometimes it can be difficult to remove ourselves from our feelings far enough to verbalize them. If we even knew we were confused, we wouldn't be as confused as we are. Yet, confusion is as usual as certainty. Often the questions we are asked are not ultimately the ones that a person is seeking answers for. As you read this over and please think about what you might say. Chances are good you will encounter someone like this.
A special thank you to N’kash for picture on this post.
Hello Master Crown. I saw your post yesterday and was hoping you’d help me come to a decision. I’m trying to figure out when I should end training a sub. My sub is acting out and being bratty. She is not listening or just out right being disrespectful. This is the first same gender relationship we have both had in D/s and she is demeaning my authority. Your advice will be what sways me.
XXXXXX
Reply
Dear XXXXXX,
First, let me assure you that being the same gender as a submissive or a slave likely has little to no influence on the circumstances of your email to me. When a person is training to run a marathon, they do not stop running after they meet the level of fitness required to take part in that race. At the point they can accomplish the goal of taking part in the race effectively, new goals are called for. All that they have learned to get to this point becomes part of their ongoing conditioning so that the person develops the knowledge, skills, abilities, motivation, perspectives, and awareness that encourage them to thrive in this chosen experience. The same goes for both of you. As her trainer, or whatever you identify as, you will learn to anticipate what the other perceives as important and will pick up on the cues in the environment and sent between you. A big part of the problem here is communication. It is your role that is expected to set the standards of behavior and act accordingly to ensure that the sub possesses the knowledge, skills, abilities, motivation, perspectives, and awareness needed to learn to perform the requisite behaviors. To do this effectively, you may need to break them down into smaller chunks to practice before putting the pieces back together as a whole.
Negotiating requires a degree of assertiveness, which is not normally natural to a submissive nature, and although they may understand themselves really well, they may have problems communicating their own needs and can lean more towards the needs of the person they are attempting to communicate with. At times some of the communications that come to the surface and are voiced from their own internal speech can be brattiness or humor. Brattiness in the mainstream BDSM culture is often seen as a negative quality in a sub, but to another Dom, that might be a desirable quality. The Trainer or Dom is putting everything on the table, explaining what will be expected and what will not be tolerated. If I were you, I would ask myself a few questions before talking to your sub. Is there something that I was doing or had done that could be encouraging this behavior? Was there something I was doing that might warrant some disrespect or teasing? Am I too lax, or in some way hypocritical? If the sub is trying to force you to make them do something and using this as a playful form of communication that has to be made clear when that may be acceptable. Being mouthy, disrespectful, downright disobedient, and not following through must not be tolerated. They may get three strikes, or less, depending on the attitude and the actions taken. In every newly formed power exchange dynamic, there is a short time where the M/s or D/s is adjusting to being an extension of one another. Not every role, nor every person, will be the same for D or s.
If you both are unhappy most of the time, it may be time to discuss your exit strategy. This email suggests that you don’t share where training and behavior fit together with what you want. SO, what do you want? Can you articulate it? Do you have a plan to bring it all together, or are you using exercises pulled from mainstream BDSM culture and believing your sub will read your mind? Living this lifestyle demands of us to create and shape the lifestyle of meaning that defines our lifetime and story. Being part of this lifestyle means we are cultural agents sharing with others how to live more free and develop personal freedom according to our lives. That way of life and the code will be different for each of us. What you have done by writing me is what I call Correspondence of Masters because this form of communication is like a time capsule. You have a moment to think, establish who you are, and strategize on how to bring your actions into harmony and alignment with these ideas. I would begin talking with your partner to share how you feel. The question you are ultimately asking here is if you should end your relationship, not your training. That is a question that you both will ultimately need to answer for yourself.
Joseph Crown
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